| just an update |
[Jan. 28th, 2007|02:17 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
I haven't written for a while. I came home for christmas break and spent an amazing time with my fiancee. We had our date set for the wedding to be 4/5/08. So during break I was able to get a gathering of our families list for invitations, a wedding dress, toss glasses, and a bunch of other wedding stuff. Right now I'm back in school and looking for houses, while my fiancee is taking care of the wedding stuff back home. I'm so lucky that I have a man that is willing to take the job on and plann our wedding. Carl and I are going so awsome, we had a slite problem before christmas, but it was soon solved. Now that I'm back in school I'm having a hard time sleeping at night because I miss spending all that time with carl, being in his arms at night holding me tight as I fall asleep knowing that he will be there in next to me in the morning, having him kiss my lips and tell me how much he loves me, I cry everytime when he tells me he doesn't want me to go back to school cause I really don't want to leave him. I even miss hanging out with dan and mindy, what time I did spend with them. I have a fews months before he moves up here to milwaukee to be with me..I can't wait any longer, but time seems to be slowing down for me to see my love. |
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| counting down the days |
[Nov. 26th, 2006|04:12 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bored | ] |
oh how i'm counting down the days. I'm having the hardest time trying to sleep at night. i just seriously can't wait til everything goes smooth. Only a few more months before my love will be up here with me....never leaving our sides. Then i will be taking him to rocky horror every couple of months, jsut to give us something to do while explore the down town milwaukee too. plus spring semester will be fun, hopefully i will be able to put my gothic designs in the fashion show this year, but we'll see. I'm also slowly planning my wedding on top of everything, i feel like i got majority of it down, just now i have to get a budget going and stick to that limit. |
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| oh yah |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|10:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
well this past week i found out that my schooling will finally be paid for. I have also been looking and getting rough ideas what i want for carl and i wedding. I have to say "I'm having alot of fun planning what i can so far...lol. Then my love came up to see me saturday, and i took him around down town milwaukee. then we came back to my room and fell asleep together watching movies. I had my friend tiffany come down to meet carl, we had a blast...i had a ton of fun within those few hours. After my love left me(not for good)i came back to my room and the air had his sent. so i started to cried. After of getting his sent out of my room, i got into bed and my covers smelled like my love so i started tearing up again because i had he sent on my covers, then i have a stuff animal that has his voice. So yeah i missed him a lot. Then the strange thing happen, last night carl and i were looking at houses around milwaukee. It felt odd to me because....well....it feels odd..BUT A GOOD ODD. I seriously can't wait to live with my love, and get our life started. |
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| trying to accomplish |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|07:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
i feel so lost...and lonely...i have so much to do in short of a time..well at least that is what it feels like. This past friday i was told i was offered a seasonal job, which i took and i'm happy that i got the job. now i will be able to save up to get my own appartment(hopefully), and be able to start paying off my credit card. My friend told me she is wanting to move up here after she gets her schooling done. Maybe i will have a roommate when that time comes. I looked at appartments today i will need to have alot of money save up to live on my own for a while til my friend or carl comes up here and stays with me....I'm really trying to stay positive with all that is going on, but i fear that it will all come down on me once i think everything will be fine. I'm taking my time making sure nothing is going to come crashing down on me once i start going out on my own. I'm glad that i have friends that kinda understand what i'm going through and are willing to be there for me when i need to vent, but i'm also glad that no one is helping me try to live my life. All i have to say is if i get all of my dreams accomplish on my own....i will be the happiest person knowing that i have done all of this on my own. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2006|05:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | lonely | ] |
back and forth woundering what i am doing is right. I have people coming to me for help and i give them the best advise i can give. When they still look puzzled i give them an example of what i had gone through and how i have come on top most of the time.The truth is i can make them happy but in return they can't give me advise to make me happy. All the advise i have been given was wrong to me, so the only thing they really say is "do what you feel is right". Everyday and through the night i get cold and to think that at this time last year i was coming down with a cold that turned into mono. Why after so many years of being sick why that year had to be the worse was it because the truth came out i was being punished. That hole year up to now has been nothing but bad situations after the next. honestly i have had nothing good happen to me, if there is something good i'm hesitent to show my affections because something will go wrong and i will be left in the dust, dirty, whatever you decide to put me in. I will finish this later. |
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| why should this happen |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|12:08 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
today a friend of mine were talking about why guys promise girls that they will call them later then don't call. Its very irrating that guys do this. why say one thing then don't do it. i was also thinking today what happens if i can't get anyone to cosign for my loan. My mom thinks that with the part-time job i get(if i get one soon) and her job we can get pay for the rest of my tution...which i find is bullshit. The fact is i feel like i should just drop out because i know there is no way i can pay for my tution and no one can help me...Plus on top of things i don't want carl to come up here just because i'm in trouble...i want him to come up when he is ready and my heart is telling me that he isn't ready, which is fine with me. I have been hurt off an on...and i tell myself over and over that I really shouldn't rush anything because eventhough i'm ready for the big step i know that everything that is in my life is not ready for that step, then i also have people wanting to talk to me and the thing is i hate seeing those people that i care for get hurt in the worng ways like i have....everyone needs to just come out and tell the truth..wheather it hurts that person(s) or not...I was always told that the truth does hurt, but at least you finally know the truth. A lot of the truth comes out when people talk to me but they shouldn't be telling me they should be telling the person they are talking about. So i have made one last final decision that i'm going to try to stay up here in milwaukee because its my new home and i'm extremely happy. i'm tired of writing for now i'm going to go. |
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| yippy back in school |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|05:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
oh god what have i done....this semester will be interesting do to the fact i have a lot of writing classes. It looks like i won't be spending much time with people...i found this job working in the school that i hope i'll get hired on. this weeking or the next i'll be looking for an outside job as well because i really don't want to go back to my home town. i hate going back only a few people wants to see me and i hardly get to even spend time with them alone. i'm so free up here the only thing i have to worry about is the problems that take place up here. i met this guy in my theology class today and to find out he is also in my online philosophy class too how cool is that. what i find attractive about him is how he voices his opinions about everything, he will tell you what he thinks about something whether you like it or not..and he expects that from the other person. He also helps me understand some of the reading that i couldn't understand. i think i'll make him a study buddy...jsut so i have someone to talk to about the class discussions. i can't wait til the next time i have class with him so we can talk more. well off to doing more homework. |
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| oh what to do |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|10:55 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cranky | ] |
well i'm leaving tomorrow to go back to school, and as i leave i have many problems that rolled in that really makes me believe that college is not going to happen anymore after this semester. oh what am i going to do....my parents are getting on my case with everything, my dad is the worse. i have so much hate and angre in me that i could blow on just anyone. which then will be wrong because then i would feel bad that they have to listen to me and my problems. i don't know what exactly happen for things to have gotten this bad. |
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| i'm torn, |
[Aug. 15th, 2006|09:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | worried | ] |
its getting really close for me to leave. I thought that when i left it would give me a chance to get away from the town i live in and the people that don't really care about me. Now i'm happy to be leaving but sad because i'm leaving someone behind that can't leave. It hurts to see how unhappy this person truly is on the inside. Nothing has gone right nor it won't be going right in the future. i still think...should i leave and watch this person fall apart because no one truly cares for him or do i stay and watch my career go down the dran but be happy that i'm living with the person i love with all my heart. Its tough to think what is the right thing to do. I know that the one i love will do whatever it takes to be with me, but the hard thing is that he won't succeed in his dream. I hate know or seeing so much and i can't do anything about it until the right time comes and its a done deal. half of me is so crushed by how things will turn out that i can't think of any way to make things better. He knows i love him and i will always support him in what he wants to do. my only worries is how am i going ot pay for college by myself, trying to find a job to where i can save as much money as i can so i can get an appartment. But most of all i worry about my love. I feel like some of the things that has happen to him was do to me, but i have reasons to stand by what i felt and still feel. Mainly i think its unfair. |
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| true feelings hurt the most |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|04:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
three lovely weekends left til school, and i can't wait. I have a problem and it really doesn't concerns with me, but it does have to deal with a certain person in my life. i don't really know how to let that person know how i truly feel without losing that person. Maybe i shouldn't say anything at all, but i feel that person should know the truth..but the fact is i'm always called a liar over and over again. i have been fighting trying to prove that i'm telling the truth and it just seems like no one will listen. i have thought about giving up and just ignore everyone and what they say or tell me and do whatever i want to do. basically screw everyone and leave me alone. The only thing i will say is when the time comes for people to find out the real truth about what they wouldn't listen to be about...it WILL be to late to come back to me, because i won't take you back. |
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| fears |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|03:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  scared | ] |
time went fast and now i face my fears again....what to think will come when i go back. what will happen if i unexpectedly quit everything i worked for and let move away from me. I know happiness will be there, but not for what i want to be happy. pretty much i'm looking at how will things end after the four weekends are gone and i have to pack everything up. what will happen if i do stay up there in milwaukee. I have so many fears that i stress myself out. Its mostly because it makes me sick that my summers seem like it not long enough to allow me to be with the person i love so much.Just sucks with how everything is planned for the summer time there is really no time to spend with him. I know i'm following my dream and that is a part of me that is happy too. I would love to see the man i'm going to marry to live out his dream too. He doesn't have the best of luck but i know this dream of his will work out to the fullest (just needs a kick to start the engine). Simply want everything to work out for the best with us in the end. |
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| well |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|09:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
I'm tired....bullshit after bullshit...and the thing is its all towards me(so it seems). No matter how hard i keep hold of something that i love so much..its always going to be torn away from me. I got engaged by the one i love and care for, but yet to many people don't want to see us together. Every single time everything is going great in our lives that when it hits us, THE BULLSHIT. It just makes it hard for me and the one i love to really enjoy our life together, moving away from the bullshit in my life was the greatest because i started a new life but the one i loved couldn't be with me and it hurt me knowing i would have to come back..but it was only for him. I want to spend every minute i can with him. There are people in the world that are what they call a two face. One minute they are nice like everything is fine the next you find out their always bitching and saying the same thing over and over, but of course to different people. I'm trying very hard to handle my life the way i need too not how others want me. I found out that i had a rough childhood. I found out by a person that truely cared and feared for me. Afterwards I'm just simply going to give up. |
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| my big day |
[May. 6th, 2006|07:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | calm | ] |
Tomorrow is the big day where i have to tell me parents the big news. A little nervous knowing how my family is when it comes time for me to live my life. I love to spend the summer with the one i love, just thinking about it puts a smile on my face. Yesterday was my 22nd birthday and i had a few friends, family members wish me a happy birthday. One of my friends went around where she works and had people call and wish me a happy birthday. It was funny as hell having these people call me not knowing who i was but still wishing me a happy birthday. I guess when i come home for the summer i have my friends through me a little party, oh boy what to expect..hmmmm i know probably a candy bikini, LMAO. Oh how its nice not be stressful over homework and stuff. This summer i get to relax and take it easy. |
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| blah blah blah |
[Apr. 24th, 2006|09:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
i hate the game telephone. you say one thing to a person then they tell others and the story turns out different from what u said. so i might as well just say it right now right here.....i'm frustrated, tired, pissed, everything but happy or excited....i seriously think that life would be better if u just spend every moment the way u want too. now try asking me what i mean...well i can't/won't. i'll finish this another time. |
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| another day but i'm so in love |
[Apr. 18th, 2006|08:51 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | calm | ] |
i'm so happy, tired, and soon will be stressed out once again. which is nothing that i haven't experienced before. three weeks left and i'm done with school once again,whooo hoo. the exciting part is i come home to my love. It kills to have to leave him, when all i want to do is be with him. He makes me so happy and knowing that he loves me so much just makes me melt, even when he tells me how beautiful i am, how happy he is to have me in his life, or the most is when he told me that i was that best thing that happened to him. For some people this is mushy stuff, but the man i love is one of a kind and he is all mine and i'm not afraid to tell anyone how i feel. |
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| i love him |
[Apr. 7th, 2006|08:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | loved | ] |
We were meant to be together...the three songs that can extremely show him how i truly feel about him and about us being together is the two Chicago songs "your the inspiration" and "Don't want to live without your love", firehouse "found the love of my life." Every time i hear these three songs i remember how much he means to me and how much i really want him to be in my life. I never want to lose him....i did once and it was a horrible experience not having him around. I love this person so much, and while i'm here in school i miss him more than anything. he takes care of me like no one would believe, and he makes sure that i am happy and having fun with the people i'm around. He is one of a kind,and i'm glad that i have him in my life. i'm also glad that he wants me in his life as well. |
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| i love it |
[Apr. 6th, 2006|10:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | loved | ] |
there is a little something that i can't wait to have, but there is one problem i love it to much. it would mean the world to me if i could just get this one thing. my plan to try to get this is work. Work is the only thing that will allow me to get what i want so bad. The object that i can't stop thinking about is white and black, round and soooooooo perfect. i show this object to a friend, and they absolutely fell in love with it and said that is was definitely perfect for me. i will strive to get this object. i love this thing so much that i will do anything so i can have it. |
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| just about me |
[Apr. 3rd, 2006|12:28 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
i love my life. I go to school, work what little i do, do homework. I have a daily schedule on how i do things. most people laugh at me cause i like school (even though situations come up and i get stressed) i'm to organized, or i'm always cleaning. My friends are the ones that know me a lot better, they tell me i'm a saint or that i have patience like a saint, in truth i believe them to a point . i have dreams just like everyone else to make it big in the field i'm studying. My teacher had a talk with me today in class because of the way i feel about my study...he said that i'm not going to school, i already have a job i'm just getting more training to better myself. I strongly agreed with him after he told me that, everyone is not going to school to become something, they are already what they want to become just getting more training for their job. the only thing that i can put on a blank page to describe oh i am for most people is I'm just a girl that is boring to be around,and has a boring personality. My friends think i'm this great person that they enjoy being around, but i guess that's because they can't see me being boring or miserable. i feel that they are wrong. |
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| if u don't know then don't open your mouth |
[Apr. 2nd, 2006|07:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
there is one thing that i hate the most.....is when people talk about me to others about every problem that i have or i am going through.. pretty much if i want someone to know how i feel or what i'm going through then i will tell them myself. i also hate when people think that i'm not a fashion designer because all i do is look through magazines. the thing is i'm wanting to be a fashion illustrator not designer. Illustrator designs the damn clothes for the designer. For example: a person that is doing advertising. the person that does the art work for the advertisement company is what an fashion illustrator does for the designer. I hate when people think i'm judging them when i'm not, but they automatically judge me with no problem. i might be sounding like a bitch when i write but what i write about is how i have felt about situations that i find out and i hate. i got to see the man i love practice his bass, then watched him practice with the other band members, and well lets just say i'm not happy, and now i'm having second thoughts(but it does not have anything to do with the one i love)and lets leave it at that. |
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| just another moment of a depressed life |
[Mar. 30th, 2006|12:17 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crappy | ] |
when is it all going to end? the suffering....you would think that if something is not working out the way u would want it to go that you would move on to something else. If you want to live your dream, you should be doing everything possible to make that dream come true, not let anyone else make the dream happen or let it fail. But what if the dream u want to succeed will allow u not to have a certain thing in your life. what if it keeps you from having a happy life. oh wait......there just dreams and something that u want to happen for real in your life never will. so sweet dreams if that is what u think they are. |
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